Christmas #1

Santa visited our house the night of Christmas Eve Eve, so we could open gifts Christmas Eve morning before our week of on & off travel began.  He was pretty good to our kids this year!  Livi quickly asked why Jeff & I had nothing in our stockings.  Last year I filled ours too, this year I was just too busy to get to it.  A few days earlier we had gotten new tires for my van, and luckily she was satisfied with the answer that Santa had gotten us new tires & given them to us already since they didn't fit in our stockings. 

Superheros were a big, big hit!

Santa also loaded them up with new LeapPad games & rechargeable AA batteries!

Stockings were stuffed to the brim too!

They got lots of new movies in their stockings, which will hopefully give their mama a chance to catch a quick nap on "no nap" days before heading off to work the night shift starting late-January.

Silly Santa wrapped most of the gifts IN their stockings too, in an attempt to make Christmas morning last more than 0.6 seconds.

Then we moved on to gifts from mom & dad.

Our Big Wheels from Menards went back to the store, as the wheels kept falling off :(  

Really she was excited ;)

Then they spent the rest of the morning playing.

SANTA!!!

I braved the day out solo for our annual trip to see Santa.  Historically this hasn't gone real well.  That big jolly fellow who comes down our chimney each year bearing gifts, is apparently terrifying.

We found a different locale to chat up the big guy this year, and though we waited a GOOD 1 1/2 hours for our turn to chat, it went amazingly well.  Their little workshop had bubbles, puzzles, crayons & such to keep all the tots occupied while Santa did his thing.  He was great!  He told the kids he would try to remember what they asked for, but he is very busy & sometimes he doesn't get it quite right, but that he would make sure they got something good.  We had to stop at the store on the way home for cookie supplies & carrots too, as he reminded them that both he & his reindeer needs snacks when they visit.

They took a bunch of pictures & we got them all on a zip drive for cheaper than we usually spend on the one candid photo after waiting in a long line at the mall.  We will be returning next year, though maybe a bit earlier in the season.

"I want a transformer & a teacher Barbie."

 "I want a red Iron Man"

 "I want a transformer."

What a difference a year makes!

My Honest Heart

In the spirit of the Christmas holiday.  Or in the approaching New Year.  Or due to the fact that my heart is broken into a million pieces today.... I'm coming clean.  This may be the most honest, raw post I've had to date on this blog of mine.  But I've been withholding.  I'm not much one for withholding on my blog.  It is in fact a reflection of me.  Its my journal, my life, my heart.  I just put it out there & you can read if you wish.

I've been keeping track on & off for a long time now of this journey I have been on.

My second journey.

My second too long journey to fulfilling my dreams.

My dreams of a big family.

Of pregnancy, and babies.

Month 19 of trying for a second pregnancy has come to a close on this household in tears.

Yes I've been withholding this journey for a year & a half now.  I've watched people who were just announcing their pregnancies when we started trying, celebrate their baby's 1st birthday.  And here we are, still trying their whole pregnancy & 1st year later.  I've heard hundred of pregnancy announcements.  I've cried hundreds of tears.

I've told a lot of people.  And I've been pretty blunt & honest to anyone, friend or stranger, who asks.  I'm not a person of secrets.  But this whole go-round is very different than the last & its been hard on my heart to "shout it to the world."

We are three times blessed.  Oh so blessed.  And this feeling of "survivors guilt" or "greed" or "selfishness" or something has overwhelmed me this journey.  Overwhelmed me to the extent that I couldn't hit "Publish" on the blog journaling I have done.  I didn't want to "ask for help" or share my "whoa is me's."  I cried many a tear & cursed many a virtual word at those with 1, 2, 7, 8 kids crying over their journey to conceive baby # umpteen while I had none.  And now here I sit in that hot seat.  And it hurts from both sides.

Maybe its just me, but I've had dreams of kids, babies, my family, since as long as I can remember.  And my dreams & my heart don't feel complete.  I thought going into this round, knowing I had my 3, I though it wouldn't hurt so bad.  But it does.  Patiently waiting for the world to tell you if your dreams are going to come crumbling down around you hurts.  It hurts despite the blessings you have.  The feeling every day of knowing how you have no control, hurts.

My daughter carried around a purple pacifier today.  Stating we would keep this out until God talked to her and told her when her baby sister was coming.  She has been praying every night for 9 months for one.  Completely unaware of what is transpiring around her, these are her heart felt prayers.  She has prayed for a carseat for her, shoes, clothes, blankets, socks, everything one could need.  And she has named her Allie.  She openly tells me that her sister is still living with God & that God hasn't told her yet when she gets to come live with us.  But on occasion now, she asks why God is so busy that He hasn't heard her yet or told her yet when her sister is coming to live with us rather than with Him in Heaven.  Do you know how much that hurts?

I'm not real sure how many more nights I can smile & say "we just have to believe & have patience."


I have walked this infertility gauntlet before.  But this time is so different.  To say its easier is not true.  Just a different whirlwind of emotions.  Mostly knowing others are wishing they could be me, knowing they would love to walk in my shoes.  My emotions of feeling greedy & selfish & ungrateful hurts.  It hurts badly.  Maybe the worst hurt of all.

To tell yourself you can't be sad because you already have so much.  To feel ungrateful.  To feel needy.  To feel like you aren't doing a good enough job of knowing how blessed you are, because you're still wanting for more.  It all hurts.

As Christmas cards pour in & holiday Facebook posts abound, after 3 new pregnancy announcements in a 4 hour span today, today I'm broken.

And you can think I'm selfish, or greedy, or ungrateful, or whatever you want.  But this is me.  And its honest.  And its raw.  And its my heart.  And today on my blog, I just want to be me.

I'm going to post the things I have written  along this journey.  They will be posted to back when they were written or started.  Because this journey is a part of me, but not all of me.  And I don't feel like it needs to encompass the first 10 current pages of my blog.  But I want it out there.  Because something about feeling like you are walking down a taboo path no one else has traveled sucks.  I'm going to "shout it all to the world" & I'm going to link them to this blog, just incase anyone out there cares to read.  Some of them are long, months of boring information long.  Dated in a long journal form.  One is my heart.  But they are there.  Like everything else in this blog, read or don't read as you wish.

March 1, 2013 
March 12, 2013
March 22, 2013- current


So tonight I will drink wine & cry.
And tomorrow I will put on my big girl panties, smile & take my 3 greatest blessings to see a big jolly fellow in a red suit.  And I will take the month of December off from this life of hormones & popping pills that I live.  And I will eat & drink & be merry.

For though I hurt, I do know I am blessed greater than my words can express.

Last Project of 2013

As the cold weather hit & we spent more & more time digging through the PILE that was our coat closet, I decided this project had to get done this calendar year.  The only project for 2013 that didn't get touched was the linen closet/dresser.  Lots of things from our 2013 projects to finish up in early 2014 before starting to tackle that list, but I think Project Make Our House OUR House 2013 was pretty darn successful.

I didn't take any before pictures, because I was so ready to take this closet on that I had it 3/4 emptied before the though crossed my mind.  Imagine misc. coats hanging 1/2 on hangers, 1/2 piled on the floor.  Random gloves, hats & scarfs scattered about.  Plain tan, scuffed, filthy walls... very similar to those in the cleaning supply closet I tackled this summer.

I am oh so very in love with how this turned out.  I spent days & days (or really nights & nights) on Pinterest searching for ideas of how to make this space best work for us.  And I think its going to serve us well now.

 An over the door pocket organizer hung up with command hooks takes advantage of all that otherwise wasted space.  

 Perfect for easily finding hats, gloves, shades.

I added a bunch of the velcro command strips too so it stays secure to the door.  I hate those things flopping around & messing with the door handle.  This was my best idea yet!

 I hung the organizer low enough the kids can reach it & then there is room above for over the door hooks to easily stash coats, scarves, etc.  

 I had Jeff install some higher up wood brackets so we could move the shelf & bar up about 2.5 feet. 

 Just enough room up there for 3 baskets to stash more of mine & Jeff's hats, scarves, mittens.

 A little $6 Walmart bin for umbrellas in one corner.

 And on the other wall.... rows & rows of hooks!  Let's face it.  Hangers suck.  So much more work involved than just throwing a coat up on a hook.  Plenty of hooks for hats, backpacks, bags, umbrellas & just right for the kids to hang up their own coats!

 And paint... you know me well enough to expect paint, right?!  Everything got a fresh coat of the same grey from Liv & the boys' closets, and the bottom half got some bling.  I wasn't sure how I would like it so I just did the bottom, but I wish I would have done all the way up.  It was quite a bit of work though.  I definitely did not go for perfect as I just whipped this out one night while the rest of my house slept & well, it is afterall just a closet.  Someday I might find the motivation to go back & paint the top 1/2 too, but for now I quite like the fun little pop it gives.

 Since the coat rack got moved up, we had room for baskets below!  They stash the kids hats & mittens in one & the other holds little jackets, fleeces, etc.  So they can be responsible for getting out & putting away their own stuff.  

Love these easy to label baskets from Walmart.

Put it all together & we have this!

This is the other closet, but basically the same.  So we essentially went from this:

 

To THIS!