I'm not alone

I stumbled across THIS article on the Huffington Post "A Twin Mom's Post-Infertility Survivors Guilt."  It filed through my Facebook news feed Shared by another triplet mama & commented on by so many others who have walked in similar infertility shoes.  There it sat in my new feed just screaming "click me" as if I needed to know somehow that day, that I'm not alone.  The outpouring of love via text, Facebook, e-mail, and blogger comments following my "coming out" of the infertility closet so to speak, has left me a little humbled & honestly not quite sure where to start, or what to reply as I've been so quiet about this for so long.  But I guess, after talking to the RE & making our latest game plan, the world thought I needed this great read.  And so it appeared, full of lot of my own feelings, laid out before me in someone else's words.

My very 2 favorite quotes from the article:

"Though I consider my twins a miracle, I like the miracle to sleep, and I sometimes complain when the miracle wears me out. Once, I would have considered this akin to whining about how my pile of money was so heavy it hurt my back to lift it."

"That's why the infertility was harder than anything even my infant and then toddler twins have yet to dole out: the not knowing. As a twin mother I may be intermittently exhausted and occasionally overwhelmed, but it's nothing compared to indefinite uncertainty, the purgatory of TTC."


I called the RE right after Christmas, something I should have done weeks earlier.  I needed a new game plan.  But I didn't want to think about it over the holidays.  

Our agenda now includes another procedure sometime mid-late January to re-check my uterus, mostly to check for a polyp due to the fluid found in my uterine cavity last cycle & also a test to check the patency of my tubes. They say the risk of tubal blockage post c-section is only 1%, but I'm feeling in my heart the need to check.  So we'll check.  And I'm not betting against any small odds in my life right now.  Then, pending those results, we have 2 options.  If any tubal blockage exists & we can "afford" in terms of follicles to be more aggressive, we'll do the Femara/Follistim combo like we did in 2009.  If all is clear, we will try Clomid.  I've never really successfully done Clomid.  Weird to say given my infertility history.  I did technically do 6 cycles of various doses of Clomid in 2008 with my OB, but we weren't followed that closely then with ultrasound as OBs offices are generally built for preparing to deliver babies, not creating them.  So with all those doses, we never got to a point to trigger or do IUI.  So maybe, just maybe, it could work.  

So that's where we sit.  More uncertainty.  More lessons in trust & patience.