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I stumbled across THIS article on the Huffington Post "A Twin Mom's Post-Infertility Survivors Guilt." It filed through my Facebook news feed Shared by another triplet mama & commented on by so many others who have walked in similar infertility shoes. There it sat in my new feed just screaming "click me" as if I needed to know somehow that day, that I'm not alone. The outpouring of love via text, Facebook, e-mail, and blogger comments following my "coming out" of the infertility closet so to speak, has left me a little humbled & honestly not quite sure where to start, or what to reply as I've been so quiet about this for so long. But I guess, after talking to the RE & making our latest game plan, the world thought I needed this great read. And so it appeared, full of lot of my own feelings, laid out before me in someone else's words.
My very 2 favorite quotes from the article:
"Though I consider my twins a miracle, I like the miracle to sleep, and I sometimes complain when the miracle wears me out. Once, I would have considered this akin to whining about how my pile of money was so heavy it hurt my back to lift it."
"That's why the infertility was harder than anything even my infant and then toddler twins have yet to dole out: the not knowing. As a twin mother I may be intermittently exhausted and occasionally overwhelmed, but it's nothing compared to indefinite uncertainty, the purgatory of TTC."
I called the RE right after Christmas, something I should have done weeks earlier. I needed a new game plan. But I didn't want to think about it over the holidays.
Our agenda now includes another procedure sometime mid-late January to re-check my uterus, mostly to check for a polyp due to the fluid found in my uterine cavity last cycle & also a test to check the patency of my tubes. They say the risk of tubal blockage post c-section is only 1%, but I'm feeling in my heart the need to check. So we'll check. And I'm not betting against any small odds in my life right now. Then, pending those results, we have 2 options. If any tubal blockage exists & we can "afford" in terms of follicles to be more aggressive, we'll do the Femara/Follistim combo like we did in 2009. If all is clear, we will try Clomid. I've never really successfully done Clomid. Weird to say given my infertility history. I did technically do 6 cycles of various doses of Clomid in 2008 with my OB, but we weren't followed that closely then with ultrasound as OBs offices are generally built for preparing to deliver babies, not creating them. So with all those doses, we never got to a point to trigger or do IUI. So maybe, just maybe, it could work.
So that's where we sit. More uncertainty. More lessons in trust & patience.
March of Dimes Time Already?!
Its January, that means the March of Dimes Walk is just a few months away.
Last year my very own post-preemies were sick, so we missed the walk :(
Last year my very own post-preemies were sick, so we missed the walk :(
But we have battle the cold & the rain in years past to walk for something we stand for, strong & healthy babies!
I usually join up with the team from the NICU at the hospital that I work. This year, I walking (hopefully not working, or sick & actually physically walking) with my friend Anne in memory of her daughter Isabelle.
Please donate to Team My Little Sunshine & support babies like Isabelle, Hayden, Olivia & Logan. Who were born early.
A badge like the above will hang out on the right side of my blog for the next several months, so you can donate anytime!
How can you say no to these little bitty faces?
Hayden
Olivia
Logan
House Projects 2014....
So..... I bought some things to take on the master bathroom. I've had an idea for quite some time what I wanted to try in there, but I've been too chicken. Given our 1990s oak trim in our house (which we are not painting, as we did that in our whole other house so we are sooo over painting trim!) some of the ideas I like I'm not sure how they will turn out with the oak. But I'm gonna do it anyways. I bought paint & about 1/2 of the accessories.... then I got this NASTY cold. I cough, I look like Rudolph from blowing my nose, yet I have so much sinus pressure built up that 800mg of Motrin does not TOUCH this headache.
So no painting yet....
I think after I get the bathroom done, I will take on the master closet. Because, honestly, its a cluster of hoarded, needs to be thrown out, old, worn, clothes. If I followed the rule of "Go through your closet & if you wouldn't buy that piece of clothing if you were shopping today, throw it out" I would probably own 3-4 shirts.
I'm searching Pinterest for ideas for our master bedroom too. I know kind of what we'll do in there, just given some accessories that will get hung & pillows that will get used. But I'm not sure really what walls to paint what & how to take it all on. Maybe doing the bathroom & closet will give me some inspiration?
I also bought some shelf liner for my kitchen & did about 1/3 drawers & cabinets of the kitchen this week. I'll be short a whole roll I think to finish, so I'll have to get more. But I'm doing it slowly. It takes a long time! I'd really like to do more to my kitchen, but its not gonna happen right now. So I'm hoping cleaning up & re-organizing in there will keep my desires at bay for a bit.
Jeff got all the walls that we are building right now framed up in the basement over the weekend. So next is on to figuring out lights & wiring!
So no painting yet....
I think after I get the bathroom done, I will take on the master closet. Because, honestly, its a cluster of hoarded, needs to be thrown out, old, worn, clothes. If I followed the rule of "Go through your closet & if you wouldn't buy that piece of clothing if you were shopping today, throw it out" I would probably own 3-4 shirts.
I'm searching Pinterest for ideas for our master bedroom too. I know kind of what we'll do in there, just given some accessories that will get hung & pillows that will get used. But I'm not sure really what walls to paint what & how to take it all on. Maybe doing the bathroom & closet will give me some inspiration?
I also bought some shelf liner for my kitchen & did about 1/3 drawers & cabinets of the kitchen this week. I'll be short a whole roll I think to finish, so I'll have to get more. But I'm doing it slowly. It takes a long time! I'd really like to do more to my kitchen, but its not gonna happen right now. So I'm hoping cleaning up & re-organizing in there will keep my desires at bay for a bit.
Jeff got all the walls that we are building right now framed up in the basement over the weekend. So next is on to figuring out lights & wiring!
I need some motivation.....
So the BIG 2014 project is getting our totally unfinished concrete hole of a basement in functional condition. My biggest wish is that by this spring, in tornado weather, we can sleep down there & actually SLEEP vs. me laying awake all night in a worry we won't wake up on the 2nd floor for a tornado siren.
There are a couple Jeff size projects that have to get done before I can dig into much of anything. A) Building a few walls, taping, mudding, sanding, etc. B) Going through & cleaning up all the extra wiring on the ceiling & C) Running new wires to get some of the existing lights on different switches & add a few switches/lights to get the lighting arranged in a way that it works with the layout we are hoping to achieve down there.
We spent an entire day down there already cleaning up spiderwebs, cleaning up the spray paint mess I've made as I've done other house projects & sorting through boxes & boxes still packed from our move 1 1/2 years ago. Actually some of the boxes are still packed from 4-5 years ago when 3 newborns invaded our life and 1/2 of our old house had to go into storage. I've got a garage sale pile building. And things sorted & re-packed a lot more organized so when the basement is done & I want decorations for down there, they are safe & ready to go!
It was kind of like Christmas down there sorting & finding things I literally had not seen in 4-5 years. I actually got decorations up in the hallway & office!
So here's my current conundrum.
It's winter & cold & I need a project. Its going to be a bit before I can start painting & painting & painting in the basement. But I need something to do for the time being. Most of the projects we have left are bigger.
1. The Kitchen: Which will cost me more $$ than I can spend right now
2. The Master Bed/Bath: Which will also cost $$ as we are in need of new bedding. And I have zero ideas as to what I really want to do in there.
3. The upstairs hallway storage closet & dresser: Which really I could probably rock out in a couple of days, other than that I want to sand & paint the dresser & given that my paint nook in the basement is no more, that has to wait until its warm outside.
There, of course, are bits & pieces of all my other projects with loose ends that need tied up which is what I SHOULD be doing. But seeing that basement & wanting to dig into that big project, my mind is having a hard time focusing on all those scattered little things. I need some motivation to do THAT!! Also because I know if I dig into a big project now, I will get done half-ass because its just passing my time until I can get to the basement. And because we can't put $$ into 2 big projects at a time.
Instead, I'm sitting on my butt, blogging.
But what I really want to do is paint the kitchen!!!
There are a couple Jeff size projects that have to get done before I can dig into much of anything. A) Building a few walls, taping, mudding, sanding, etc. B) Going through & cleaning up all the extra wiring on the ceiling & C) Running new wires to get some of the existing lights on different switches & add a few switches/lights to get the lighting arranged in a way that it works with the layout we are hoping to achieve down there.
We spent an entire day down there already cleaning up spiderwebs, cleaning up the spray paint mess I've made as I've done other house projects & sorting through boxes & boxes still packed from our move 1 1/2 years ago. Actually some of the boxes are still packed from 4-5 years ago when 3 newborns invaded our life and 1/2 of our old house had to go into storage. I've got a garage sale pile building. And things sorted & re-packed a lot more organized so when the basement is done & I want decorations for down there, they are safe & ready to go!
It was kind of like Christmas down there sorting & finding things I literally had not seen in 4-5 years. I actually got decorations up in the hallway & office!
So here's my current conundrum.
It's winter & cold & I need a project. Its going to be a bit before I can start painting & painting & painting in the basement. But I need something to do for the time being. Most of the projects we have left are bigger.
1. The Kitchen: Which will cost me more $$ than I can spend right now
2. The Master Bed/Bath: Which will also cost $$ as we are in need of new bedding. And I have zero ideas as to what I really want to do in there.
3. The upstairs hallway storage closet & dresser: Which really I could probably rock out in a couple of days, other than that I want to sand & paint the dresser & given that my paint nook in the basement is no more, that has to wait until its warm outside.
There, of course, are bits & pieces of all my other projects with loose ends that need tied up which is what I SHOULD be doing. But seeing that basement & wanting to dig into that big project, my mind is having a hard time focusing on all those scattered little things. I need some motivation to do THAT!! Also because I know if I dig into a big project now, I will get done half-ass because its just passing my time until I can get to the basement. And because we can't put $$ into 2 big projects at a time.
Instead, I'm sitting on my butt, blogging.
But what I really want to do is paint the kitchen!!!
Christmas #3 & #4
The flu bug hit us after Christmas #2. Hayden started us off just a few hours after we had gotten home & Olivia rounded out the puke fest the next morning. It was a fast moving bug for the kids, just like 6 hours & gone. And somehow Logan & I have managed to avoid it. {knock on wood} Jeff started feeling icky as Christmas #3 came to a close on Saturday at Grandma GGs & missed our final Christmas, #4. But luckily we managed to mostly all be in 1 piece for the brunt of our holiday adventures.
Pizzas, dips, cookies & presents at Grandma GGs.
"Yes!!" The last Rescue Bot Transformers the boys wanted!
Love her surrounded by all these glittery presents. We may be combing glitter out of our hair for weeks!!
It was THIS much fun :)
Batman Logan
Hello Kitty Analeigh
Hello Kitty Olivia
Superman, "I've had too much Christmas," not so cooperative Hayden
Ethan, Alex, Grandma GG, Hayden, Katie, Logan, Olivia, Analeigh, Molly, Brent, Jeff
Not too bad :)
Livi the singing queen got her very own microphone!!
Christmas #4 at Great Grandma & Grandpa's is lacking of photos from my camera & exists only as stolen Facebook pictures from Molly. As somehow, my camera's memory card was discovered to be COMPLETELY empty. And I have no idea how this happened. I have yet to do anything other than google.com research about how to try to restore them, as my mind isn't ready to deal with this & google.com has me worried its going to cost me a pretty penny.
Chances R! Yum!
The boys being silly with Molly while we finished eating.
We spent the afternoon playing volleyball, basketball & remote control cars in the high school gym & then headed to Grandma & Grandpa's house for one last present of the year.
Jessie!!
Livi's Jessie spent the rest of the day playing & snuggling with all Grandma's other dolls.
Christmas, as always, was fast, wild, busy, full of ups, downs, returns & too much food. It was fun but I am honestly so ready for the chaos to be done & slow down & enjoy life a little more as we ring in 2014!
We spent the 31st playing, cleaning & taking down lights & trees. And I completely forgot until after our trees were undecorated, that we did NOT take a family picture in front of a tree this year. Its kind of tradition, but between busy kids & the flu, we forgot. So someone please keep your tree up until I feel like curling my hair again please.
I somehow rolled/sprained/hurt my ankle cleaning and after I spent 45 minutes in so much pain we almost took a trip to urgent care, we ended up all accidentally napping from 7-9 the evening of the 31st, so the kids got to be up to watch the ball drop live in NY. They don't at all get what "New Year" means, but oh well. Happy New Year!
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