Here we go...

Back to the world of assisted reproduction.

{This post is LONG.  I mean, like you probably don't want to read it long.  And boring.  Just my "not so anymore private" journal to creating pregnancy #2.  Medical crap.  Numbers.  Dates.  Because someday I will want to look back & remember.  Read it if you wish.  But its really more for me to just have an outlet for my heart.}


Friday, 3/22/2013, I started Femara.  I'm taking 2.5mg CD 3-7 & continuing the metformin.  I've got a follicle scan scheduled for the Friday before Easter, to see how I'm responding.  Its scheduled early, just CD 10, per my request, given my history & quick response to the Femara/Follistim combo. 

I'm more or less terrified.  If this scan shows a whole bunch of follicles, I'm not sure what we can do to get pregnant, with just one.  I think if Friday goes poorly its going to be a devistating blow.

I don't really remember side effects from taking Femara last time.  But I was SO far in & had been on fertility drugs & hormones for so long, I don't know if I ever knew what I was feeling. 

This time, I'm not feeling so great.  I'm now on day 4 of a headache.  And I'm tired (which may not infact be medication related.)  And I'm having hot flashes.  I thought I was going to pass out as the sweat dripped down my back doing discharge teaching with a family at work one day.  As of today, Monday 3/25, just one more day of taking Femara though so hopefully the symptoms subside quickly.

Yesterday, CD 5, quite a bit I felt my ovaries being "active."  It makes me a little worried if they are being too active already?  But today I don't feel it so much.  I feel like I feel them them on both sides (its obsurd really how aware of my body & feeling things happen I've become), so that makes me especially anxious & so worried for Friday.  Just 4 short days away.  Its funny how last time every thing seemed to take decades.  Days seemed like weeks.  Weeks seemed like months.  And this seems to be going so fast, so far.

The biggest thought in my head is.... what if there are 2 follicles?
If there is one, its easy.  Trigger & IUI.
If there are 3, its an easy answer.  We wait the cycle out & try again.  {easier said than done but a pretty clear thing in my mind}
But....If there is 2......???
Jeff has said he would be fine with a trigger & IUI with 2.  And I have "said" the same.  But my brain has reservations.  Two could stick.  One (or 2) could split.  And I'm not sure I'm ok with that.  We could always trigger & skip the IUI, but just my feelings is that that would be a waste.  I think we need the IUI.  Go big or go home?

I guess we have to wait until Friday to see if we even have anything to think about....


3/29/13, Friday
Follicle scan.  Took all 3 kids along. 
They behaved perfectly.  It was quick & easy.  I was very worried about taking them along.  But I brought their LeapPads & a ton of snacks & it was no issue at all.

And the scan was awesome.  After not feeling anything in my ovaries for a few days, I spent Thursday night & Friday morning feeling my right side be pretty darn active.  When she was ultrasounding (a transvaginal ultrasound) at first, I thought she was scanning the left & I kept seeing little follicles thinking "great... if this is the left & I feel nothing there, I'm screwed with how the right side feels today."  So I asked.  "Left?"  And actually she was scanning the right.  There is actually nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch on the left.  The right has one good 18mm follicle.  ONE.  And a few little ones.  Maybe 3 or 4, but all small.  I asked several times for an actual measurement, but just got a "they are too small to matter."  I'd guess 9mm or so.  So I responded perfectly!  Just as I'd dreamed. 

Next... not so great news.  I discovered that we can't do an IUI.  Apparently in her {new to her since my previous time TTC} clinic my OB, who could do them 4 years ago, no longer can do IUI because of the darn Catholic Church affiliation.  Ugh.  They assumed I knew, I assumed nothing had changed.  I was fairly upset & left there almost in tears.  Mostly what I remember from Jeff's semen analysis way back when, was he is geared for quantity & not quality.  Meaning lots of mis-shape, but a very high count.  Meaning overall, a good count, but that doing IUI & washing out the extra stuff would be greatly beneficial for us.  Plus, PCOS is more than just an ovary issue & if we are going to do this, we just as well go big or go home.  Taking meds & going through the side effects & anxiety time & time again is not good on my body either. 

I was feeling completely defeated.  And while I was trying to stay positive that at least I found something that I CAN make just one follicle with, all I could think was, 'yeah this time, but what if it never happens like this again.'  Now we can't do an IUI & what if we miss our one & only opportunity.

It was a blessing that I had the kids along.  They kept me 'partially' sane.

Then I learned, it pays to have friends who are L&D nurses, who are friends with the OBs in town.  By 5pm Friday evening, an OB called me & said he would be willing to help.  I was in Walgreens when he called (which by the way is a pretty akward place to try to have a conversation with an OB about your infertility history, eggs & semen analysis)!  So the plan is to trigger sometime tomorrow afternoon & do an IUI sometime on Monday.  And if this cycle isn't the one, I plan to continue this process with him.  Ironically he is a partner with the now doctor, who was the resident who helped deliver Hayden, Olivia & Logan. 

Life has sure blessed me with being at the right place & having the right amazing friends at different places in my life.  I mean... how much harder would 6 weeks of NICU time been if I hadn't been leaving my babies overnight with my co-workers & friends?  And now this!

So onward we go..... 

Saturday 3/30
Trigger day.  Thanks to my friend Amy for shooting me up in the booty this afternoon.  My RE last time did sub-q trigger.  I know the other RE in town does IM.  And both my original OB & the one doing my IUI do IM... so I did IM.  Not sure what the difference is in how it impacts ovulation time? 


Monday 4/1/13
IUI done at 1:40pm!!  I triggered Saturday afternoon, so we should have been right close to 48 hours post-trigger for the IUI.  I'm can't remember what the measurement tool was for the Semen Analysis for the IUI, but they like to see at least 20.  Jeff's was in the 15-20 range, so a little bit low, but still ok.  My uterine lining is 0.7mm, which is a little on the thin side.  So between my PCOS, my thin lining & Jeff... we are just low end normal/boarderline abnormal everything.  So a spontaneous pregnancy is pretty unlikely.

Anyways.... its done.  The procedure itself was far less painful than I remember last time.  Just a little pinch, for a very short time.  As I lay on the table for 10 mins or so before I left, I got crampier & crampier though.  By the time I drove out of the parking lot, I was searching for something to have by me incase I threw up.  My cramps were so bad it was making me sweat & feel like I could throw up.  I got home, and crawled into bed.  Good think Jeff had taken the whole day off of work for this, because I'm not sure I could have done it without him.  Watching the kids I mean.  I napped a few hours & woke up feeling fine.  I remember feeling crampy last time too, but I don't remember it being that bad.  However, looking back, I blogged about being glad I had traded days at work because I wan't sure I could have worked that night.  So I must have been pretty crampy then too.

Now we wait 2 weeks....

Friday 4/5... feeling a little crampy today.  Thinking about buying a few pregnancy tests to test out my trigger.  See when it clears from my system... 

Wait... actually I have one.  My last pregnancy, the HCG was gone by now.  But this test is surprisingly +.  I know its just 6 dptrigger & so 4-5 dpo, 4 dpiui, so this just trigger, not a real positive.  Must be a difference in the hormone clearing time with IM vs Sub-q injections?

Sunday 4/7... testing trigger.  Very faint line.  So its almost gone.  Now to wait another 4 days to test again.  Or maybe 2?  Gotta make sure that trigger is really gone.... right?  Feeling some very low cramps, but I think I felt that last month too.  This week seems to have gone by so... so.... slow...

Tuesday 4/9... so that theory to wait 4 days... failed.
Feeling more crampy.  And having some GI issues yesterday & today.  Tested again, this morning, 10dpt, 8dpiui.  There is still a faint line, 36 hours after the last one was almost gone.  But this is first morning urine, vs nightime pee (pee is supposed to be more HCG concentrated in the morning) so I'm guessing thats why I still got a line.


Wednesday 4/10... a very faint line, 11dpt, 9dpiui (when I got my + with the triplets by the way)

Thursday 4/11... a very faint line at 3 mins, but it looks pretty dark several hours later.  Weird.  If infact this is still trigger, I can't believe its taking this long to go completely away!!  12dpt, 10dpiui.
At about 3-4 mins.

Several hours later.  And yes I know you shouldn't look at a test after 10 mins. 



So several hours later, around 4:30 in the afternoon, I tested again.
At 10 mins, the $.88 cheapie looks pretty -

However, tried a different brand & there is still something there. Will have to test tomorrow with both brands & compare...

If this still is my trigger at 12 days after trigger.... this sucks!











Sunday 4/14/13....
Yup, it was trigger.  Yesteday's tests at 14dpt, were finally clearly negative.  That's insane that my trigger lasted that long!  Today I'm feeling crampy... so I'm thinking tomorrow will come the beginning of a new cycle & we'll be trying this all again.  :(

Wednesday 4/17/13
Finally CD1.  Its been teasing me for days, but its finally here.
Will do Femara again, CD3-7, however with new OB we will do a different dose.  5mg vs 2.5mg, just his "standard."  And follicle scan Tuesday 4/30, CD13.  Here goes round 2!

Round 2 starts Friday 4/19/13
CD3 means starting Femara again today.  So I'm anxious to see how I respond?!  I popped 800 of Motrin along with the Femara, since had headaches so bad last time, we'll see how this time goes. 

Wednesday 4/24/13
CD8.  Some really achy ovaries today.  My plan was to start doing OPKs tomorrow just so I knew I didn't ovulate & not know it.  But I was so achy this evening I took one.  Remember, with OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) its only + if the line is as dark as or darker than the control line.   

EEK!  By the looks of this & the way I feel, I would predict a + for me tomorow or Friday.  So ovulating about Saturday.  That's a problem!!  My scan isn't until Tuesday.  And I'm only CD 8!!  If my lining was thin last time, I'm hosed this time!

Thursday 4/25/13
CD9.  So I texted the OB this morning & got in for an ovarian ultrasound today.  An he said "yep, you know your body well."  Left side has an 18mm & a few small ones.  Right side has a 20mm, a 14mm (which should hopefully remain too small to matter) & some small ones.  My lining is close to 8, good for this time in my cycle, but thin-ish for ovulation time.  We're going to try some Estrace (estrogen) to see if it can thicken up my lining.  He says the research on it isn't conclusive, but it doesn't hurt anything.  I used it last pregnancy, so I'm gonna try it again.  Trigger tomorrow!!  EEK.  This cycle has gone super, duper fast!

Sunday 4/28/13
IUI #2.  Yes, they opened the office on a Sunday JUST for me!  JUST for our IUI.  The Dr. on call for the weekend did the IUI.  Sperm counts were much higher than last time.  And given the otherwise silent status in the office, he actually showed me the slide of the sperm.  Pretty cool.  Went well.  WAY WAY incredibly less crampy than last time.  Not sure why last time was so bad?  This was all amid our sickness week, so it was a blessing that I wasn't so uncomfortable. 

Sunday 5/5/13
Feeling lightheaded today.  Like, I stood up too fast, dizzy type lightheadedness.  I'm sure its nothing.  I hate that this happened today, 7dpiui, because now its in my head all day... could this be a pregnancy sign??  Trying not to get insanity brain.

Wednesday & Thursday 5/8-9/2013
Negative HPTs, that's about all.

Tuesday 5/14/13
This cycle is officially a bust.  We're going to try adding some Follistim to our Femara, the same injectable med that I took when we got pregnant last time.  Just CD 6, 8, & 10.  Every other day.  Next follicle scan is 5/24.  Weird how when we were TTC the first time everything seemed to go in slow motion.  This is all going so fast.  How are we on medicated cycle #3 already?!?!  Not sold 100% on this Follistim business... I'm afraid I will over stim.  But maybe it will just produce better quality eggs?  Lets hope.

Cycle #3 has come & gone.  And I've been so busy living life I haven't blogged a single thing!  I guess that's good?  That doesn't mean I don't think about it. Or that it isn't heavy on my heart.  Its just not my whole life, & I guess thats good.

We added some Follistim in this cycle & just as I predicted .... it didn't go so well.  We did 5mg of Femara & I was supposed to do 75u Follistim CD 6, 8, & 10 but I was too worried & skipped the dose day 10.  Our ultrasound was on CD11 on Friday 5/24/2013.  My ovaries didn't feel achy at all, so I wasn't sure what to expect.  So that had me partially surprised when I saw 6, yes SIX follicles big enough to contain a mature egg.  I knew follistim would be too much for me.  I was just hoping this time would be different.  And I'm slightly disappointed in myself for getting so caught up in the "I want a baby now" that I talked myself into the Follistim.  I love my trio dearly, but we are not willing to risk having 3 more, or 6 more!  So we canceled this cycle.  Meaning I triggered, so that all the follicles will ovulate & avoid potential cyst problems next cycle & we will not do IUI & will abstain from intercourse until we know we are out of the fertile zone.  What a waste.  Sad day.

Today, Tuesday 5/23/13, I think I ovulated.  I triggered Sunday late morning.  Gave myself a shot in my butt.  Pretty proud I did it!  Today, Tuesday, my poor ovaries ache, my back ached my head hurt.  Did I say my ovaries ache.  Ugh...  My body has felt the fertility drugs for real this time.  No bueno!!

I'm feeling pretty deflated.  Bummed. 
Since the IUI seemed a magical fix for us last time, I was anticipating a one & done this time.  And while my head knows that I am 4 years older & that 3 cycles is not a long time in anyone's book, my heart is struggling to cope with the up & down road again. 

I had the unfortunate honor of watching last week as a perfect 7 week old baby boy entered the gates of Heaven.  My job has an uncanny way of bringing a hard core reality check to what is important in life.  And I stood tearfully humbled & heartbrokenly guilty that I'm begging for more.

Trust & patience Katie.  Have faith in this plan that is so much larger than you.

I don't know when cycle #4 will start, or what it will entail.  But I'm going to try to live up the next 2 weeks, my head needs a clean slate.

Friday 6/7/13
The 2ww (2 week wait) in infertility land is the longest 2 weeks of your life.  Its the time frame of wait between ovulation & when your period is due to show.  The past 2 cycles have gone so fast.  The 2ww flew by each time & before I blinked, we were on a new cycle again.  This 2ww is different.  Its long.  And depressing.  Nothing exciting to hope or wait for.  Not sure yet what the plan is for medications next cycle?  Or for the summer?  Our schedule is packed, do I take a break?  Can I handle that?

I don't expect AF to show until next Weds-ish, so I've got several days to go yet.  But I'm ready for this cycle to be over. 

Last week one day Jeff & the kids brought me up some snacks to work.  I let them peek at a sleeping 4pound baby in an isolette.  He was snuggled up all tight & fast asleep.  Livi asked "Is she real?"

I explained it was a boy & she spent the next whole week at home pretending all her baby dolls were boys.  Named one Bryce, no idea where she got that name.  Then she asked.... "Mom, how can we get a baby at our house."  I almost cried.  "Can we get one from your work mom."  Tear.  "We need a baby at our house like at your work mom."

My heart hurts this week.

Sunday 6/9/13
Well I was wrong.  My period came already today.  I must have ovulated on my own before I triggered?  Have to call the OB tomorrow & figure out our newest plan.....

Monday 6/10/13
Called the OB today for the newest grand plan.  The nurse called Dr. Bossert & then called me back & said "He basically said... to do whatever you want to do!"  He recommended trying 7.5mg to see if we could get better quality follicles.  Thinking maybe thats our issue.  But again, I'm worried it will mean 4+ follicles.  They are going to call me in that dose & I'll just take whatever does I feel like I guess.  Ultrasound CD10, June 18.  I might take some variable doses, some 5mg, some 7.5mg.  Bump it back to CD 5-9 or 4-8 maybe vs starting at CD3?  Maybe if I give my body a chance to start the recruting process on its own there will be less follicles?  Who knows. 

I think I'm going to call the Heartland Center though, the specialist.  See if we can get in there in August.  If June doesn't work, we'll take July off.  Its just too busy & I don't want to be worried or canceling vacation or whatever over IUI timing.  This whole business is so much harder with kids.

Wednesday 6/12/13
Started Femara, just took 5mg & today is CD4 (vs usually start CD3).  Thought about waiting until CD5 to see if my body started to recrute follicles on its own if it recruted less (plus we were out of town & didn't get to Costco until today), but I also don't want to not be close to trigger when we scan CD10. 

Saturday 6/15/13
I forgot to take my Femara last night!  Oops!  So far CD4 I took 5mg before bed, CD5 I took 5mg before bed, & now this morning CD7 I took 2.5mg.  I think I will take another 2.5mg tonight.  Then just dose something tomorrow night & wait for a scan on Tuesday.  My ovaries are a little "active" on & off today.  Mostly my left actually, which is odd for me.  A mild headache, but no feeling too bad.

Tuesday 6/18/13
Ultrasound today, CD 10.  Lining was thin, just 5, but it was just CD10.
Right ovary had one beautiful follie, 14mm.  Left had 2 little ones like 8-10mm, which likely won't catch up.  Plan is to trigger Saturday night & IUI Monday morning, which happens to be our 7th Wedding Anniversary.  He offered to re-scan on Friday, take a 2nd look at what is growing.  But at $250ish for each ultrasound, I think we'll just roll with the punches on this one. 

Its our last hoorah with the OB.  I called yesterday & we have an appointment scheduled back with the same Reproductive Endocrinologist we used in 2009.  I figured it would take a couple months to get in, but if our schedules were clear, we could have gotten in in like 2 weeks.  Our appointment is July 26.  Still holding out hope we never get there.

Saturday 6/22/13
Triggered today.  Debated on whether to do trigger IM or Sub Q.  OB recommends IM, which I have been doing.  Other RE in town does IM.  The RE we saw did Sub Q.  Its all supposed to work exactly the same & the dose is the same.  I debated & debated.  And figured, since I just flew by the seat of my pants with med doses & did my own thing, I just as well do my own thing with the trigger too.  So I did it Sub Q.  Hoping that does the trick for us. 

Monday 6/24/13
IUI today.  Everything went well.  Sperm numbers were "good," though I don't know a number.  I was crampy, but not bad.  I had a lazy day, napped.  And had some ice cream to round out the day celebrating our 7th Wedding Anniversary.  Surely that's a good luck charm right??

Onward TWW #3....

Thursday 7/25/13
Clearly, not pregnant. 
My trigger stuck around for a heartbreaking 13 days again & finally it disappeared, just as I was starting to believe that 2nd pink line might stick around.  Sad :(

As our appointment scheduled with the specialist was just a few weeks after this cycle ended, I opted to take the month off.  We had a camping trip planned & I didn't want to think about being on meds, or timing an IUI or whatever.  Just relax.  So that's what I did.

I have no idea what this cycle is going to bring.  If I will ovulate on my own?  I've had some close  to +OPKs for several days & my ovaries are achy, I though I would be ready to O.  But I haven't seen that true +OPK & my other body signals are not saying ovulation.  Maybe I have an ovarian cyst or two?

On one hand, its nice to just relax.  Be hormone free.  I wasn't aware how crappy I felt.  I'm sleeping better. I'm more relaxed.  Less irritable. 

Our appointment with the RE was supposed to be tomorrow.  But Tuesday, while I was at Walmart, with 3 crabby kids, trying to get last minute stuff to go camping... they called & said that Dr. Maclin is having surgery on Friday so we have to re-schedule.  They had a slot on Tuesday & were going to stick us in it if we could arrange daycare/work/etc.  It will work out ok, but I need to call back, because I really wasn't processing & I have no idea what time she said the appointment is.  I about had a breakdown at Walmart.  I was amazed though... my naughty kids turned nice pretty quick when the tears rolled down my cheek. 

I'm anxious to get there.  See what they say.  What tests we have to repeat?  What they recommend?  Find out how soon we can start a new cycle?

Tuesday 8/6/13
So we are a week past the trip to see Dr. Maclin.  It was a great appointment.  She answered lots of my questions before I ever asked them.  I am borderline burnt out on the whole thing right now & so glad deep down that we are being forced into a bit of a break to get all the prep work, blood work & such, done before we can move on.  My mind & body need it more than I even know.

She was extremely positive that my "young" self could most definitely rock out some good quality eggs on just Femara.  And that we "can't afford to not be very conservative going forward."  We could not agree more!!



Tuesday 9/24/13
It has been a LONG time since any updates. Basically, we have had 2 months off.  This past month I had a saline sonohysterogram, to check my uterus for fibroids or any other issues that might be preventing pregnancy & all was clear.  I was so horribly nervous, thinking back to the painful HSG I had in 09, but this was nothing compared to that.  Quick & easy.  So now we are have the green light & are ready to go as soon as a new cycle starts.  I was excited to see that during my 2 off months I continued to cycle on my own in my own little 35 day version of normal.  That was nice, I was worried those cycles would go on for months & months.  Especially since I had a nice little 19mm cyst on my left ovary left over from the other medicated cycles.

Saturday was CD1.  On Monday they called about getting me in for a baseline ultrasound before starting meds.  Hadn't even thought about that as I didn't do that with OB & last time there, I was on birth control to shrink a cyst & then got pregnant cycle #1.  Luckily I was home from work staff adjusted & could slip on in.  Phew.  I was glad to see the cyst was gone.  TONS & TONS & TONS of "resting" follicles, so the potential for growth is high.  YIKES.

So yesterday was day #1 of 5 of 5mg of Femara.  We will ultrasound next Monday 9/30 & go from there.  Scan is CD10, so should be plenty early.  Now just hope I respond nicely without overstimulating, please, please!!

Only 2 days into meds & I can feel my ovaries "cranking" already.  Hopefully thats not a bad sign!

Monday 9/30/13

CD10... ultrasound/follie check #1.  Oh my ovaries are so full... but with itty bitty little things.  The dominant one is 15.5mm on my right.  There is also an 11 on one side & a 9 on the other.  Not real sure what any of those will do over the next 2 days, but we are re-ultrasounding Wednesday to see what my body is going to continue to do.  As a general rule they consider anything 18mm + to be mature, though follicles slightly smaller can possibly contain mature eggs as well.  They also predict follicles to grow 1-2mma day, so I'm just worried that if all 3 of those grow, we could have 3 follicles & have to cancel the cycle.  We agreed we would proceed with 2, not with 3.  They also draw blood.  They check LH, the hormone that surges to cause ovulation to make sure that you aren't going to ovulate on your own too early.  And they check estrogen levels, which combined with the LH level tell them more about the maturity of the follicle than just size alone tells.

Wednesday 10/2/13
Ultrasound today was great!  One follie on the right really picked up the pace & was at 21 today!  Perfect!!!  There was a little 9 on the right too.  And the left had a 13-14mm one.  So likely that won't be mature either.  So we should have just ONE perfect little follicle.  There might be 2 if that 13-14mm one grows any, but there should not be 3 & thats what I was worried about.  They re-drew LH & Estrogen too & I have no idea what the levels were.  But all must have looked good as tonight is trigger night & Friday is IUI day.  So nervous!!

Friday 10/4/13
IUI done today shortly after 9am.  It was the same gal who did our IUI in '09 who did it today. Hopefully that is lucky!  Sperm count was awesome!  74 million.  For comparison, anything over 20 million is good & in '09 it was 52 million.  Here ensues the two week (or probably less than that) wait.

Thursday 10/17/2013
Today is 13dpiui, so 15 dptrigger.  I've been testing out my trigger since about 7dpt & I thought it was gone about day 8, but it has weaned in & out & in & out the last several days on the cheapie Walmart tests.  Today I tested with a Walmart cheapie, which was -, and a FRER (the holy grail of tests supposedly) & there is something there.  Given that last cycle the FRER stayed +1 day after the Walmart test from trigger, I'm certain its trigger.  But at 15dpt, thats just insane.  Heartbreaking actually.  So I'll test again tomorrow, see stark white & move on.

Given the fact that I am starting a new job in 11 days, we may have to sit this next cycle out.  I will call the RE when AF starts & discuss it with them, but I just can't be flexible with my orientation schedule so I'm not sure its all a good idea.

This whole process sucks.

Wednesday 10/30/2013
The fact that I haven't written in a while says it all.  Nothing to say.  Not pregnant.  Not seeing Maclin this month.  Not happy.

Today is particularly bad as the world of FB has shown me 2 people announcing pregnancies.  Two people who at the time of me starting to try were not trying.  One who was just 6 months or so post partum, one who wasn't married.  In addition to another bundle of news last week.  My heart hurts.  I'm actually kind of pissed.

I've been sad this journey, but this may be the first time I've been mad.  Like, feel like is 2009, want to punch a wall mad.  Just beyond frustrated & hurt.

I just want life to pause, for a minute, so I can crawl up in a ball & cry.

Thursday 12/12/2013
I don't know if its the new job, or the holidays, or what it is, but my mind hasn't been on this as much as of late.  We did our 2nd IUI with Dr. Maclin on Dec. 2nd.  For me, days for ultrasounds & the IUI couldn't have worked out better in terms of me not having to "call in sick" for any shifts as has been my fear doing this while starting a new job.

All went well, as have the other 4 IUIs.

Today is 10dpiui & I'm not feeling real positive.  Not sure why.

That's about all there really is to say right now.  I'm just really "over" the whole process right now.  Its not supposed to be this hard.

Some days are hard & tearful.  Patience & faith is hard.  Some days are easy.  Some days I feel guilty/greedy.  That I am so truly blessed & keep asking for more.  There are others less fortunate than I, who deserve this more than me.  Who are & have gone through so much more.

I walk a fine line to crazy.  One day crying its not fair.  The next feeling selfish & greedy.

Thursday 12/19/2013
Today is a bad day.  3 pregnancy announcements seen/read in Christmas cards and online in a matter of 4 hours.  I could puke.

This cycle is officially a bust & I'm beyond frustrated.

I managed to pull 2 lines on pregnancy tests until 14dpiui, so 16 days past trigger, just like the last medicated cycle, which really shouldn't happen.  I'm starting to wonder if maybe I've had some little brief chemical pregnancies or something.  One just shouldn't get a + from a trigger for 16 days.  They were faint & all, but they were there.  There just as much as that very first could hardly see it 2nd line I had with the trio.  Just enough to give me hope for a few days, before finally disappearing 15 days after my IUI, 17 days after trigger when I would have in layman's terms been "one day late."

I'm not sure whats next.  In infertility land, its usually a 3 strikes kind of deal.  If this is going to work, it usually works by 3.  And technically if you count both OB & RE cycles, this is 5 (though the RE won't count my OB cycles).  I need a new plan.  I'm festering thinking about what I want to do.  What I am willing to do.  What is Jeff willing to do.  Where do we go from here?