To be naive

Infertility.

Such a word. 
"Just relax & it will happen."  "You just need to take a vacation." 
Naive.
Laughable really.

One glimpse at my family & the word is not what would come to mind.  I am obviously not "infertile." 

Then you ask the question, "do multiples run in your family?"  And suddenly the tone changes...

Assisted Reproduction Technology.  {ART} as its refered to in my world.  Essential to so many families.  So many lives.  So many children & smiles & giggles would not exist.  Yet some how, its so judged.  All anyone things of is IVF, in vitro fertilization.  "Test tube babies"  But the spectrum is so much broader.  And its so much harder than those 3 letters make it seem.

There was a time I didn't know.
What I wouldn't give to be naive.

11 months ago, we stopped preventing pregnancy.  Stopped as in condoms.  I have not taken any birth control since the kids were born.  Hoping to keep my body hormone free.  Hoping it would learn to work again.  Waiting.  Hoping.  For that chance of a "spontaneous" pregnancy.  Al' natural.  Normal. 

Its no secret that I want another child, but I've been witholding.
I'm not usually in the business of withholding in relation to infertility. 
And while I've not lied or covered up the truth to anyone who would ask, I've not been forthcoming to most.
A few, but not most.
Which really isn't me.
Why do I feel like this time, I'm being greedy.  And that somehow this time I will be more judged.
And why do I care if I'm judged?
I just wanted the "surprise" moment.  The normal excitement.  The shock.  The smiles.  Not the sigh of relief. 

Then as the months went on...
I started counting days.
And peeing on sticks (ovulation predictors).
And loosing hope.
I resumed the lifestyle of planning sex.
I bought a new thermometer to help track my cycles. 
Then I hid it away & swore not to use it.  Swore to never again get to that fragile mental state where I teetered just 4 years ago.
Then I got it back out.  Then I put it back away.  And though I haven't used it, I look at it every day.
I bought special "sperm friendly" lube.
Jeff & I had "the talk."  The what is our gameplan.  How far would we go.  The we love our triplets, but we quite simply could not afford or survive it again.  The I'm sick to my stomach, hold back my tears, talk.

*sigh*

This is the last cycle of giving it the 'ole college try (as my OB so perfectly put it.)
I started metformin.
I'm taking progesterone.
I'm crabby.  Hormonal.  Tired.  Terrified.

Mostly I am terrified that this cycle will fail.  A final stab in my back that my reproductive system has failed.  That we've failed.

Clomid did not work for me.  And the Femara/Follistim combo prepped me more for an IVF egg retrieval than an insemination.  So after weeks & months of thinking about it, my OB & I talked.  She agreed to try & treat me with just Femara.  Something she personally has not done before.  She has a partner who has done it often & she was willing to get some info from her & try it with me.  I'm worried I won't be able to find any stimulating drugs to help me produce just ONE good egg.  I don't want 3.  I don't want 5.  I don't want 18.  I want one.  And I'm terrified I'll never get it.  I'm terrified that someone is going to say to me if I ever want just one, IVF is our only option.  And there our road will end.  I don't think I, we, could shell out the $$ for IVF, in the hopes that it works, knowing what that money could mean for the lives of the blessings we already have.  What if this doesn't work?  But as she said, "how do you know what will happen unless you try?"  So assuming in 8 days that second pink line doesn't show up, just like it hasn't the 10 months before, we'll try.  And hope.  And wait.  And try to remain patient & faithful knowing that what is meant to be, will be.

I know I am so very blessed.  Oh I do know.  I really do.
But regardless, I don't feel complete.
Something is missing.
I don't feel like my circle is whole.
My wolf pack is -1.

Oh to walk in the shoes of those who remain naive.  For just one day.  To truly hope without worry. 

This journey is oh so very different than the last.  For obvious reasons.
I have knowledge. 
I have kids.
I have thus far felt so very much less rushed. 

I always swore I'd run right back to the RE (reproductive endocrinolgist).  I encouraged others not to wait.  But the reality is this, its just not that easy.

The RE is not a place I can easily go.  Cycle day (CD) 3 labs.  CD 9 ultrasound.  More labs.  More ultrasound.  Appointment.  Labs.  Appointment.  Its not like going to the grocery store, or your family practice physician.  The fragile minds of the struggling women there can not handle a bubbly child in the waiting room.  Let alone three.  Trust me, I know.  I once was one.  Its not just like a drop in joint thats just easy to come & go.  There's no free childcare provided.  Its a for real, this is a big deal, life encompassing commitment.  Not just a means to an ends, like I saw it before.  And while my heart is all in!  My brain is still dominating.  We're not there yet.

Plus, I feel greedy. 
And selfish.
And guilty.

And so while I may not be "infertile."  We are still "sub-fertile."  Sub-par in the business of reproduction. 
And while I know in my heart of hearts that am richly blessed.
And though I have watched friends grieve sadness I am not sure I could survive.
It still hurts.
Somedays a little.  Somedays a lot. 

And it forever will.